I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
