My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
