I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The air was thick with penises
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
