the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
