I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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