fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you traded sex for a burrito?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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