Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
