Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
