You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
