you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
