In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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