he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
