Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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