She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
