I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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