I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
