dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
