Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
