If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
