i don't like sucking hair
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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