I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
