she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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