This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
