I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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