I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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