I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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