I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
