So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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