I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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