If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
