In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
