Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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