Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
