She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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