I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
