Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
