I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
