That's intense
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
