you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
