My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
