I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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