I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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