i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
