Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
