i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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