I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
