I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
