Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
