She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
