OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
