Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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