i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
