Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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