It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
