you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
