you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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