he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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