I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
