call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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