I just threw up on my dentist
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
