you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
